Collar (Changing Roles Book 3) Read online

  The doctors assured me the memory problems were temporary. Pete was a total dear the whole time. He visited every day after his shift, playing cards with me. I knew what he was doing. Pete hated card games, but my neurologist had told us it would help with my memory. And they were right. As the days crawled along, I got stronger, and my ability to remember things, like the cards, improved as well.

  I hadn’t seen Jake in two weeks, but his presence was all around me, filling me with his love. He kept my room full of flowers, a dozen red roses every day. I never saw a wilted bloom. And even though I’d told the staff to keep him away, he’d convinced them to let him sneak in and sit by my bed at night. I never saw him, and probably would have flipped out if I had, but his woodsy scent filled my room each morning when I awoke.

  Written in careful script, Jake had poured out his deepest feelings on a stack of get-well cards. I couldn’t stand the sight of him, but I treasured the notes he left, rereading them several times a day. I longed to be held in his arms, to feel his strength caging me in and binding me to him. I missed his brilliant eyes that sparkled with mirth and longing for me. But even thinking about him spiked my heart rate. I had a picture of him on my phone and opened it once. Staring at the image took me straight back to that horrible night. All I could see, hear, or feel were Josh’s harsh words and Lily’s horrible screams.

  Jake and I stayed connected, but we were apart. I hated that I couldn’t be around him. I didn’t understand it. My doctors brought in a psychologist for me to talk to. She said it would take time. I prayed she knew what the hell she was talking about.

  But I knew the answer.

  I needed to erase Josh before I could face Jake again.

  Jake wasn’t Josh. I understood this on an intellectual level, but my body sensed him as a threat and went into full-panic mode every time he came near me.

  Pete had been the one to check me out, fill my prescriptions, and walk me to his car. Everything Jake would have done if I’d let him.

  Everything Jake should have done.

  When I glanced at the side-view mirror, I spotted Jake’s black Mercedes following us home.

  Jake was with me, even if I couldn’t be with him. When we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex, his Mercedes slowly rolled past. My heart broke, splintering into jagged pieces. I missed him so much.

  * * *

  A week later, Pete wore a hole in my carpet with his pacing, his movements agitated and uncertain. “This is a very bad idea.”

  That was true. I unwrapped the towel from around my wet hair and combed out the tangles. I answered him from the bathroom. “It’s something I have to do.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing. If I don’t do this, I’ll be a prisoner for the rest of my life. I have to face him.”

  If I didn’t face Josh, I’d never be able to be with Jake. Running from Jake was perhaps the most cowardly thing I’d ever done. I was determined to fix myself.

  “Jake would not approve.”

  No, he wouldn’t. “And you’re not going to tell him.”

  I still refused to see Jake. I had tried—once. The day after my release from the hospital, he had come to visit. But the moment I’d opened the door, fear churned in my belly followed by the rapid pull of my breaths and a hammering in my chest. Before I could hyperventilate, I’d slammed the door in his face. I’d spent the rest of the day with tears spilling down my cheeks, wondering if I would always be so broken.

  Jake wasn’t willing to let me go. I loved him for his persistence.

  He’d called from the parking lot. That conversation turned into another, starting a dialogue between us. Soon he was calling every day.

  The delivery of flowers and cards continued as well. Initially, Pete did all my shopping, getting groceries and other personal things, but even there Jake inserted himself into my life. Not once did he express his frustration, and he never pushed to see me.

  I think I loved that the most about him. I hated to admit it, but his willingness to let me heal at my pace was not a trait I possessed. He cared for me, showing the depth of his feelings in every action.

  “Because you know he’d stop you,” said Pete, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. “Hell, I should stop you.”

  We’d had this conversation several times now. Me telling Pete what I wanted to do, and him talking me out of it. Only now, I wasn’t backing down.

  “But you won’t.” Where the hell had I put that pair of black jeans? I grabbed a shirt and shrugged it on over my bra.

  “Jake would, but you refuse to see him.” Pete came over and stopped me as I dug through my drawers.

  “We talk every day.” Jake’s voice didn’t trigger me. His beautiful face was what threw me into a panic.

  Pete tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling, his frustration evident in the way he gripped his hands and clenched his jaw. He didn’t understand my difficulty in seeing Jake.

  Jake-Josh. Josh-Jake.

  They were one and the same in my head. It was wrong, unhealthy, and bordering on pathological, but I couldn’t help myself. I decided I would face Josh. I wasn’t certain that would fix things. It might make things worse. I fully expected a reaction when I saw Jake’s brother. That was the whole point.

  Jake was not Josh, and after I faced Josh, I intended to lock that memory away. I would cut Josh out of my life, and I prayed that action would allow Jake back in.

  “You promised you would help.” I found my pants at the bottom of the dirty laundry. They smelled clean enough, so I shimmied into them.

  “And I will, even if I don’t agree with what you’re doing to Jake.”

  His words had me wincing, because he was right. But I couldn’t help the rush of panic when I looked at Jake and saw his twin’s face.

  Pete took another pass across my carpet. “Come on. I can’t even go to Stripes without him bothering me.”

  I was glad Pete had found a home within the walls of Stripes. He’d become a club regular, and he and Mandy seemed a perfect match. “Well, the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can deal with—”

  “Me?”

  My heart skipped a beat, hearing Jake’s voice. Tingling filled my fingertips, and a rush of adrenaline spiked in my veins. I turned around, ready to kick him out of my place.

  Jake stood in the doorway, all six-feet-plus of him. My insides clenched and shuddered with dread. The sun shined from behind him, silhouetting him in the glare. I couldn’t see his face.

  I took a step back, my hand reaching for Pete, seeking comfort and reassurance as my heart thumped in my chest. “Pete, what the hell?” My breaths deepened, and that shaky feeling spread through my body.

  “It’s not my fault. Mistress Mandy sensed something was up. She got me to confess. Then she told Jake what you had planned.”

  Jake stepped through the doorway. “Is it true?” His tone sounded both concerned for me and angry with me. Moving inside my apartment, the sun no longer backlit his face.

  I saw him. I saw Josh.

  I tumbled toward a flashback.

  I struggled to breathe. Images assaulted me. Josh with his belt. His hand. My stomach turned with revulsion while the rest of my body shook with fine tremors. I was barely holding my shit together. Maybe if I didn’t look at Jake, I could get through this. I closed my eyes.

  “And what if it is?” I rolled back my shoulders. I would’ve given him my Mistress glare if I had the guts to look at him.

  “We can’t keep on like this. This isn’t how it’s meant to be.”

  “I’m fixing things.” That could very well be a lie, but I couldn’t hide in my apartment anymore. I squeezed Pete’s hand, desperate for an anchor. The whole room felt like it was spinning.

  Pete tugged me to his side.

  Oh God, I could hear my blood racing past my ears. My chest constricted, and I couldn’t breathe. I tightened my grip on Pete’s hand as terror swept through me.

  “Please.
Please, just leave.” If I kept my eyes shut any longer, I was going to sway right off my feet. I opened my eyes and wished the room would stop its mad spinning.

  Jake took another step, his eyes hardening with determination. “I’m here to help you slay your demons. Not to stand aside while you battle them alone. You belong to me, just as I belong to you. We do this together, love.” He closed the distance, stopping just shy of touching me.

  I swayed on my feet, my rapid breaths huffing in and out. My entire body shook, and the hairs on my arms lifted. “Please…” I needed him to leave. I needed him to stay. I needed this damn feeling of dread to go the fuck away.

  He needed to take control and silence the screaming in my head, but that wasn’t something I could tell him.

  “You’re breaking my heart, keeping me at a distance like this.”

  His gaze swept over my body, covering me in the heat of his desire from my head to my toes. The pain I inflicted on him screamed in the empty space between us.

  How could I argue? I was being selfish and hadn’t taken into consideration how much rejecting him must hurt. “I’m sorry.” So incredibly sorry. “But I just can’t.” Josh had stolen my strength. I wasn’t the same person anymore.

  But I missed Jake. I missed his lips brushing mine. I missed dancing with him. I missed the way he heated me from the inside out. His slow, gentle nature was the solace I needed to sweep me away. The implacable demands and even his silly rules allowed me to embrace my submission. But behind all that, lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, fear lingered. I couldn’t lose myself in him.

  His face sagged, seeing my reaction. “I’m not my brother. We’re going to work this out.”

  “I’m going to see Josh.” Face the monster and put that whole experience behind me.

  “Yes, but you’ll do it with me.” He sounded so certain.

  “You can’t come.” I held my arm out in front of me, the one Pete wasn’t holding, palm facing out, telling him to stop.

  “This isn’t a discussion. Not anymore.” He crossed his arms in front of him. “You must obey…me. I’ll be with you through this. You’ve had enough time to heal. It’s time to come home.”

  My eyes widened. He was willing to fight this demon of mine? No, he demanded it.

  How could I keep pushing him away? We hadn’t been this close in weeks. I drew in a deep breath and listened to the thunder of my heart. His intoxicating scent reached me, wrapping me in his essence. Not Josh, but Jake Davenport.

  He challenged me to force him to leave.

  I wanted to run. Lock myself in the bathroom. My gaze slid to the door standing halfway open. Two steps, that’s all it would take. Slam the door, and crumple to the floor.

  He reached me before I could dodge. He wrapped his arms around me and shoved Pete to the side. “I’ve got you.”

  I screamed and clawed at him. Josh’s face flooded my vision. The cruelty. The anger. The desire to hurt and make me pay. Jake held me, tightening his grip. His deep baritone forced itself through my panic.

  “I have you. I’ll always have you.”

  And he did. He swept me up and into his arms, kissing the top of my head, my forehead, pressing featherlight kisses against my lids, which were squeezed shut against my fear.

  Sobs wracked my body, the pain flowing outward. He caught it all. Supported me through it. I didn’t need to worry. It didn’t matter if I was strong or weak. He would support me or allow me to stand by myself. Whatever I needed, this man would give it to me.

  I bit my lower lip, my heart racing as I forced my eyes open. We stared at each other for the briefest moment before he pressed his lips to mine.

  “Um,” said Pete, clearing his throat. “I’ll just wait for you guys outside.”

  He passed behind Jake and shut the door to my apartment, leaving us alone.

  Jake’s kiss tore through my panic attack, ripping it to shreds. My heart warmed under his attention until it flowed with an answering desire. The fullness of his lips pressed against mine, staking his claim. He lifted and carried me to bed.

  In his arms, I was whole.

  Jake stared down at me, a question lifting his brow. “Ready to erase his face?”

  I nodded. But I didn’t need to erase Josh; I only had to accept the man I loved. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to fully submit to Jake, but the spark in his eyes told me that question could be answered later.

  His brows pinched together. “Are you okay?”

  I wasn’t okay. I was terrified. What Josh had done affected me on a deep level. When I looked at Jake, my mind couldn’t help but drift to his twin. It was time to take back control and stop being the victim. Jake would have to accept that I needed to face his brother. But that could wait for another day.

  I let my fingers brush over the scar around my neck. It would forever be a reminder. “I don’t know if I can do this.” Whatever this was.

  “You can,” he said, planting a kiss on my brow. “I’m going to show you how and remind you who I am to you.”

  His gaze took me in, tracing the lines of my face and settling on the curve of my lips. His hunger crossed the distance, pulling our lips toward combustion.

  But I fizzled out. I couldn’t stare into those amazingly perfect blue eyes without seeing another face. An identical face. The face of a man who’d taken something precious. Josh had stolen my love for Jake.

  Jake’s need stirred between us, and I wanted to respond to his potent force like I had so many times before. But my breathing hitched again, and my pulse spiked.

  My body shut down.

  He drew back, his brows furrowing with concern. “Kate?”

  I shook my head. “I need you to go.” This wasn’t working. “I need more time.”

  His body covered mine on the bed. I thought he would release me when he drew back, but he spread his thighs and straddled my hips.

  “Jake…” I warned. Desperately, I tried to keep my panic at bay.

  His concern etched deep furrows on his face, ruining his handsome features. He pulled his lower lip inward, biting it deep in thought.

  I squirmed beneath him, trying to throw him off, but he put his hand on my chest, spreading his fingers and pushing me down.

  “Do you trust me?”

  With my life, but I couldn’t see past the memories. I mirrored his expression, drawing in my lower lip between my teeth. A prick of pain jolted through me as I bit down. I stilled beneath him.

  “I trust you.”

  He unthreaded his belt, his eyes never once leaving mine. Did he intend to beat Josh’s memory from my mind? I’d once craved pain but didn’t want that now. I shifted beneath him, my nervousness clear. Or, at least I hoped it was clear to Jake.

  His fingers spread against my chest, pushing me into the mattress. “No.”

  I wanted to believe this man could fix me, but fear held me back.

  “Give me your hands,” he said.

  He wanted to bind me. Once a hard limit of mine, he’d pushed past that barrier. I gave him my hands, wrists already pressed together. He wrapped the leather around my wrists, and keeping with his promise, made it so that I could easily free myself.

  He grabbed my bound wrists and placed them over my head. “Do not move.”

  Just like our first time, he held me with the power of a verbal binding. I latched on to his command, my submission unfurling from a place deep within me. I twisted the bedsheets over my head, needing to hold on to something.

  He said to trust him. I closed my eyes and waited to see what he would do next.

  His hands were at the hem of my shirt, tugging and lifting. I arched my back to help him, expecting him to work the shirt off my body. He wouldn’t be able to remove it completely, not without undoing my wrists. The fabric shifted and covered my face. I tried lifting my shoulders so he could draw the shirt over my head. He hushed me instead, turning my shirt into a makeshift hood.

  My eyes popped open. I stared at the dark fabric. I
couldn’t see him. My senses went on alert. With my vision removed, sounds were crisper. Smells amplified. And my sense of touch had me jumping with each tiny caress.

  “There,” he soothed. “Now. Listen to the voice of your Master. Listen to me, and let’s erase that bastard’s face.”

  His fingers went to my waist, unbuttoning my jeans and drawing down the zipper. He shifted his weight and slipped my jeans free. My panties followed. I heard my clothing land with a light thud on the floor. Two more thuds sounded behind the blackness of my hood. Jake’s clothing, I presumed.

  He returned to me. The mattress shifted beneath his weight. “Don’t you dare move those hands.”

  His command sent my belly to fluttering, and with the press of his lips over my hip bone, my body came alive.

  This was Jake. It was all Jake. I grabbed at his words, latched on to them for support. My skin reacted to the sweep of his fingers and the gentle glide of his lips. I knew this man. I loved this man.

  He supported his weight above me, the heat of his skin warming mine. My need burst forth, surprising me with my desperation for his touch.

  But what kind of touch would he give me?

  Soft and gentle? The touch which sparked the first detonating orgasm I’d ever had in my life? Or would he be hard, like our time at the Edge? Would he saturate me in sensation and allow me to ride the blissful edge of pain?

  Which side would he give me? Which did I need? What did I want?

  It didn’t matter. All I ever wanted was him. Soft or hard, and everything in between, I couldn’t deny my attraction.

  His voice turned ragged. “I need you. I don’t know if I can go slow.”

  The caution in his words was not lost on me, but I was tired of being weak and broken.

  I’d kept us separated for far too many days and denied him what he owned because there wasn’t any doubt in my mind I belonged with him—to him. I would forever be his.